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Satire Alyssa Veltre Satire Alyssa Veltre

Local Land-O-Lakes Lover Dies In Freak Mummification

Alyssa Veltre—violin prodigy, international activist, alleged forklift assailant, and reigning Serbian black bear wrestling champion—died Wednesday at 80 after attempting ceremonial self-mummification in her New York apartment. She is survived by 762 friends, an immortal cat, and several deeply concerned Buddhist monks.

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