Alyssa Veltre, known from coast to coast for her prodigal violin-playing, her many arrests for uncivil obedience and her international efforts that eventually freed the Tibetan people from the wrath of China, died Wednesday at the age of 80 in her New York apartment from self-inflicted mummification.
Veltre, from a young age, excelled in arts both fine and performing. “She danced the way Twizzlers dance when half-exposed from a garbage disposal,” said her husband, who chose to remain unnamed, as he was placed in witness protection three years earlier to protect himself from Veltre. “She was certainly something, and if she hadn’t come at me with that forklift, I might have still loved her.” After deciding to pursue a writing career, she earned a sizable scholarship to the school of her dreams, Seton Hall University, which also happened to be everyone else’s last choice. As a student, she achieved academic excellence, but, as a graduate, she fell into the hands of protesters and demonstrators, where she led a life of slapping racists, streaking through public fountains and playing Judas Priest songs at low volume during government meetings.
Veltre also dedicated ten yeas of her writing to the modern translations of ancient druid spell craft books in an effort to preserve the culture and gain younger readership. She was the reigning champion of black bear wrestling in Serbia and won six of the gemstones from the 1982 adventure book by Byron Preiss, The Secret: A Treasure Hunt! Veltre decided three years prior to death— around the same time as the forklift incident— that she would die the traditional Buddhist method of ceremonial self-mummification, which involves two years of strategic fasting on bark and intentional dehydration. The process, called sokushinbutsu, is illegal in seven countries, has only been successfully achieved 37 times since the fourteenth century and guarantees the individual be worshipped as a deity by Buddhists.
Relatives may remember the time Veltre trespassed onto private land without realizing it was the border of a state park. She was subsequently chased by a man resembling Waldo for sixteen miles. She credited her running ability to her days as an accounting student, citing her need to “be faster than those evading their taxes.” Eventually, when she was tired, she realized the man had kept up with her. Using bomb defusion and conflict diffusion methods, she convinced the man not to fight her. They bonded over coffee and their incredible running capacity. This man was Chuck Norris.
Veltre is survived by [REDACTED], the first cat to achieve immortality, 762 of her closest friends, a collection of pirated Yiddish yodeling cassette tapes, and Jack White, lead singer of The White Stripes. To her, children were a liability should there be an early apocalypse, and it was unclear to her whether she had any. She will be further remembered by her membership to the Herb Society of America, the Association for Dressings & Sauces, and the crack den inside the abandoned SubwayTM Eat Fresh in Piscataway. Each association held candlelight vigils (and some heated spoons over those candles) for Veltre during her mummification process.
A service for the public will be held Monday for Veltre following a visit by Buddhist monks to her sarcophagus Friday. If the monks do not deem her transition to Nirvana successful, there will be no memorial, and Veltre’s body will be ejected at a 75 degree angle into the upper atmosphere at the speed of sound. Listen for the sonic boom Friday at 6 p.m. to honor her memory, and, if you happen to be in Reykjavik, anticipate seeing her return to the surface a few minutes later. Veltre’s body will be collected after, cremated, and placed in an hourglass to “remind you all that you’re still wasting my time.”
Special thanks to the monks of the Bodhi Monastery in Sussex County for teaching her about radical centrism, Giorgio’s for catering her final party, the Frelinghuysen and Willowwood Arboretums for existing, and the hitman she hired on the Silk Road waiting on standby as her second option.
We will always carry her memory in our hearts.
